I don’t have a idea when was the last time I could cry, when a tear left my eyes. It’s not that I had great days and I was always happy, I would say it was rather the opposite. In spite of being sad I couldn’t cry. There have been situations when I felt my heart being crushed by something, the pain was so intense that I wish my heart was not there in the first place, and I can say now what a “heartbroken” feels like. The times it felt like shouting out aloud and running and running until I’m tired and exhausted enough to fell asleep, but if only I could cry it would have been easy. I could do nothing as always I had me to myself, the best I did was surrounded myself with as many pillow as I could find and would let the rage, anger, grief drain somewhere in my heart and soul.
I have been kicked and rejected by life so often that I don’t need even that comfort now, it’s just whole pain finds its way to the heart, remains there for few minutes and escape as like nothing as ever happened that’s how I have been living. I don’t know what I have is good or bad, but it’s then like sometimes I can feel and sometimes all of sudden my body finds a switch to restart. It’s been a habit now the irony is that I can easily smile now.
I wish if only I could cry.